My son gave me permission to share this with you. It’s a glimpse of what last year was like for us and where we are now. I hope this encourages you wherever you are in the midst of this holiday season.
The holidays are especially hard for some. Sometimes the Christmas season can remind people of loss and heartache. This season can bring about unwanted memories and for some even the feeling of hopelessness.
This time last year I was feeling a bit hopeless. I would even say, helpless. The holidays in 2018 were not what we expected them to be. There was tension in our home as well as confusion. We were still early on into the adoption process so transition, understanding trauma, plus the holidays as a new family felt like too much on everyone. Division was so prominent in our home and my son, Ahngel and I were at odds. Our relationship was suffering and things did not feel like they were going to get any better between us.
“When something is beyond our control it can be uncomfortable and frustrating. No one wants to admit their inability to help themselves.”- She Reads Truth Study Bible Devotional
This is so true. The inability to help ourselves or change our circumstances, also known as powerlessness, is the worst feeling. Ahngel and I both felt powerless last Christmas. I so badly wanted to connect with him and have peace in our home but this wasn’t realistic. He was transitioning through a lot, as well as processing his own hurt and confusion about this new life; this new family. The reminder of loss and the change he was facing was harder on him than anyone expected.
I didn’t know how to help our situation. I didn’t know how to help Ahngel or even myself. Poor Robbie, stuck in the middle, playing referee to hold our family together. I felt so inadequate to parent during that time or to even care for someone who was hurting so badly. It was a tense time for our family to say the least. That period of time still makes me uncomfortable to reflect on.
Yet, reflection and gaining perspective about the past is good for the soul. It’s important to look back and remember what God has done and how things have changed in our lives, for the better.
It’s almost Christmas of 2019. Things feel different this time around. I don’t feel hopeless. I don’t believe our son does either. I can see JOY in him. I can feel JOY in our home. We have JOY. We were both laughing the other day in the kitchen and making dance videos. There is a PEACE in our home. You know, as I look back there wasn’t a magic formula we had to do to bring about change and healing. We had to lean in and let go of our expectations and desires. We had to cling to God for HOPE, our one true hope, and believe that he would bring healing. He has and He still is..
We know for certain we will still have difficulties during the holidays. Trauma peeks his ugly head and causes the reminder of sadness, the past, and loss. It’s heartbreaking but we’ve learned to not be surprised by this anymore. We have learned to embrace it. We open our eyes to the pain of our son, show up for him, and allow God to heal in His timing.
Thank you God for your healing. Thank you God for bringing beauty out of pain. Trauma isn’t supposed to happen but our God is the healer of brokenness and he brings HOPE to hopeless situations.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. -Romans 15:13
May you find this HOPE and HEALING in this season, like we have. May you find PEACE when you feel powerless. May you find JOY and may it stay with you. May this year be different for you than the last.
May it be.