I wrote this last spring when I was in a really hard place. If you find yourself in a similar place I hope it encourages you. You are not alone. Everyone struggles. It’s okay to not be okay.
I was reminded of this at a counseling appointment last week. It has stuck with me and I have carried it with me as if it’s in my pocket.
I have the tendency of looking past my feelings. I don’t like to struggle. I will often overthink and wrestle with my own emotions, hurt, or unresloved anger before voicing them out loud. Do they even matter, I ask myself. At times I get restless over how I am doing. Can you tell I don’t like tension? I don’t like it when life is hard.
Encountering tension in this life and wrestling with my emotional health is a part of being human. It’s a part of life. Yet, there are times when I feel stuck. Stuck in sadness. Stuck in frustration. Stuck in my thoughts. Stuck in yesterday. Stuck in the tension of life. Sadly, I stay here and I stay for awhile.
What I’m learning is that if I want to manage my feelings, I have to acknowledge them. If you’re anything like me, I just want to give you permission like I’m giving myself today and that is to feel. Acknowledge the brutal or maybe yucky feelings you have. Actually feel them. Say them out loud even if it’s to yourself. Take time today to write them down. Let the words come no matter what they are. I won’t judge you. I am with you. I promise it is so therapeutic.
I can so often go into “protector mode”. I protect myself from saying the things inside my heart because I don’t know what people will think when I share. I feel shame for the thoughts I think. I discredit how I am doing even to myself and begin to believe in terrible LIES about myself and everyone around me. It’s a vicious cycle.
“Things are hard and I feel sad BUT things could be worse.”
“I am not quite where I want to be and I feel like a failure. People think I am complaining so I should keep all of this to myself.”
“Be positive. Stay happy. Don’t share your heart. Fake it. Press on. Be super human basically. Be perfect. “
LIES. LIES. LIES.
I done with the LIES. They are so stupid. I am giving myself TODAY permission to feel and not because I think it’s what I should do or what other people think I should do. I do it because it feels good.
Right now, right here I actually feel. I finally let myself and then I speak kindly to myself. I can feel this way. I can inhale again. Things feel lighter and my heart doesn’t feel as heavy. I don’t cave into expectations and drown in disappointments.
This is a moment of strength for me. I can stand a little taller now; a little more confident. Things aren’t as blurry and I can see a little farther.
I feel. You can too.
I know I am growing. Not yet where I want to be but I am growing. I am becoming a stronger me. I am doing this not by changing who I am but by acknowledging where I am at and how I am feeling in this moment.
Tomorrow doesn’t matter. Today, right now, I feel what I need to feel and I breathe.
I don’t plan on staying here forever but today, in this moment, it’s okay to not be okay.